Separating household responsibilities
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I was presented with a question the other day:
"When couples agree to share responsibilities for housework and child care, should they have equal say in the standards, or expectations, for what needs to be done and how well it needs to be done? In other words, should the person doing a particular task, such as dusting, have the authority to decide how it is done and to what standard of perfection?"
This depends on the people involved and the situation in question. This should be an issue of personal preference, not necessarily gender or any other factor. Some people prefer to work together on tasks and to get outside opinions while others would rather do things independently. My partner always asks for my input on household tasks while I tend to do things on my own. There is no right or wrong when it comes to how couples manage responsibilities.
The relationship between the couple has a lot to do with how tasks are completed as well. If the couple is close, then it would be more likely that they would do chores together, or at least with each other's input. Leadership styles may have a part in this as well; two people may work better together if one takes the lead on a task and the other assists, maybe with input or maybe not.
Gender can play into this because of societal norms for genders today. Women are often victim to psychological responsibility for planning, remembering, and executing tasks around the home often because of social learning from models of the same sex. In many homes I know where the couple consists of a man and a woman, the man might have a say, but the woman always has the last word. My father doesn't always approve of how my mother runs the house, but while my mother might consider his suggestions, it doesn't mean they'll be carried out if she doesn't think it's best (my father works full-time away from the house while my mother works part-time, so she spends more time doing household tasks). This has always worked out fine in my household; my father never got upset and my mother would do what she wanted, but maybe this isn't right for everyone.
What do you think?
Additional resources
- Anti-Slavery - Child Domestic Work
Anti Slavery - Does your partner share in the household responsibilities?
Some view the ideal arrangement as 50-50, but that's a pretty rare reality. What is your situation? - Chores in a Blended Family: Managing Shared Household Responsibilities
Managing the household of a large blended family can be a challenge. Sharing household responsibilities by assigning age appropriate tasks is both helpful and unifying. - Dividing Household Responsibilities : Stress Center : Discovery Health
Get tips on how to make time for yourself and what to do with that time to reduce stress. - Handle Household Chores Together
Conflict over domestic duties and chores around the house is second only to conflict over money in a marriage.The key thing to remember is to not ask your spouse for help in getting chores done. Asking for help sets the stage for you having to do all
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Hi glassvisage, My standards for neatness were a lot higher when I started in a family relationship with 2 children. Since I was the neatnik of the house I took on most of the responsiblity but it was driving me crazy. It's more important to move in relationships with the flow and now I wonder what my big deal was in the first place. Neatness is not worth sacrificing for love. As long as one partner is not lazy it will all work out in the long run.
Hello Aya and Dottie! You both brought up great points... there are definitely different types of people when it comes to taking care of the house, and it's definitely not always based on gender, either. After a while, you may find you'll have to make sacrifices or lifestyle changes, but hey, maybe it's for the best :)
You know guys? I don't know! I do believe that the responsibilities should be shared, as a couple and friends. We should share just about everything. Hay, when I go out with the guys one pays one night the other the next. No questions asked. At work, my partner is responsible for the high work I do the ground work. We get the job done. It should be the same at home. But not always. I cook she cleans. She cooks, she cleans. Yes, I know that's not right and maybe one day that will change. But, she drives one car or the other, I clean both cars, gas them both up, check the fluids and service, that's just my job.
The bottom line is that we both have a mutual agreement and that we are both happy with the situation. Some times if at all possible you can fill in for the other. My wife has flexible hours. When she works until six guess, who's cooking dinner? You got it ,me. I have no problem with that.
Here is another benefit of working together. Were setting a good example for the kids. Instead of telling them what they should do, we show them. That way when we ask them to chip in, they can see that is a " Family affair" even though it's not that easy ( Especially with teens) However, we are setting a good example. We all do have chores and everybody chips in. That's a good thing.
Peace, Love, Life, Health, Happiness and Lavish Abundance to all....JosephDiego
Great call, Joseph. Flexibility is key; if you have hard and fast rules, then chances are that they won't be followed all the time, people will forget, and forgiveness is less likely. You know what to do!
Aya Katz Level 4 Commenter 3 years ago
Glassvisage, this is a really important issue for any two people who share a living space, regardless of whether they are a couple or not.
When it comes to cleaning and neatness, I think there is a power mechanism that comes into play that pretty much determines what actually happens: the person who likes things neater and cleaner is the person who ends up doing most of the cleaning! Why? It's very simple: that person will never be satisfied with the work performed by the other person.
People who are neatniks can't stand to wait for the other person to straighten up. They end up cleaning to their own satisfaction, but they often feel resentful of the other person for doing "less than their share." The other person doesn't usually understand what the problem is, since he or she would be willing to clean (to their own standards of cleanliness) except that the neatnik never gives them a chance.
This pattern repeats itself when diffferent people are roommates, although ironically, who the neatnik is changes, depending on who the roommates are. A person who was the neatnik turns out to be the slob, when coupled with a different roommate who has even higher standards.
The standards of cleanliness are relative. The problem of incompatibility for neatness is universal!