Confessions of a pushover

I'm not very good at saying "no." I'm getting better at it, but if someone gives me the puppy eyes, then my knees start to buckle. Give me the puppy lips and it's over.

I've been working at a local sushi restaurant to help keep my bank account stable over the summer, since I've graduated and I'm not in my college town where I had my usual jobs. I just wanted a little gig for the next couple months before I begin my job for AmeriCorps. I know that if you mention this to a lot of places, they won't hire you because they're often not looking for just a summer employee. However, I believe in honesty, so I would tell the truth about my intentions... if asked.

I visited a few places with "Now Hiring" signs at the beginning of the summer and put in a few applications. After applying to a few places, I headed over to a small drink vendor that I heard was hiring. On the way, I passed by a favorite sushi eatery and was delighted to see such a sign taped to the window. I skipped in and asked for an application.

Luckily for me, the manager was there and asked me for an interview on the spot. She pulled me aside and sat me down, asking me basic questions about my work in restaurants. They were looking for a cashier or waitress, so I offered myself for either. My heart beat quickly at the prospect that she would ask me anything about my intentions, but it never arose. I was hired and started working as a cashier.

I did make good friends with the waitresses, though, and I told them that I planned to stay for the summer and perhaps the fall, but perhaps not. Word spread to management, who gave me a call and asked if it was true.

I agreed, and she sounded a little peeved. "It takes a lot of money to train," she said.

I felt so bad. I knew I would. I offered to give back my money from my training (most people don't pay for training anyway, right?) and to work a shift or two in the fall to make it worth her time to bring me in.

I am such a pushover.

That's the way it's always been. Maybe it's because I'm adopted and I want to make myself liked... I heard something like that in my psychology classes. We want to be worth someone's time. And as a result, I find myself doing things I don't want to all the time.

For my college newspaper, section editors would hold meetings to describe available story ideas and offer them for the taking. No one would, really... except me. They noticed how easy I was to suck in if they gave me the eyes. Ugh. I took 35 stories in 10 weeks.

Maybe when I get older, I'll develop the ability to say "no." I think I don't understand the difference between kindness and pushover-ness, selfishness and rights, which perhaps only experience can bestow.